Relationships are a universal need; with interpersonal relationships being essentially desired by individuals regardless of age, gender, or sexual preference (Huston & Schwartz, 1995: in DeVito, 2007). Research provides a clear indication that a close relationship with one other person outweighs wealth, career and sex in its contribution to a person’s happiness (Freedman, 1978). Yet communication in relationships can be complex, awkward and even toxic at times; causing us to face many different challenges when trying to interact with our friends, neighbours and loved ones. In trying to communicate in relationships we face a number of different challenges such as gender differences, cultural conflict and contrast in frame of reference. Although these factors all play a part in making communication in relationships both challenging and frustrating, with the effective use of skills such as effective listening, empathy, respect and emotional intelligence, these relationship challenges can be successfully overcome.
Relationship interaction occurs at every level of the interpersonal communication process and can vary in degrees of intimacy, importance, trust, fondness, value and frequency; ranging from brief or random impersonal contact, to regular and familiar exchanges, to long-term intimate relations. Individuals experience various types of communication contexts and relationships including formal and informal communication, social and business communication, relationships (personal and work related ones) and families or friendships. Every day we interact with others in various ways in our lives, ranging from impersonal, social to intimate. Many individuals define themselves through the relationships they share in their lives with their intimate partner, family members, work colleagues, social friends and acquaintances etc.
The challenges faced equally by men and women when trying to communicate in relationships with the opposite sex seem infinite, and can often leave you feeling overwhelmed. This could be because men and women differ in their requirements for emotional fine-tuning (Goleman, 1995), or because there are numerous disparities between women and men; including a difference in values, stress management, motivational factors, reasons for communicating, expression of feelings and ideas, and the need for intimacy (DeVito, 2007). Mixed messages and misinterpreted communication occurs on an everyday basis, and is at the core of a lot of workplace dispute and social conflict. For example, what one woman considers a harmless and friendly smile to nobody in particular on the bus, can be misconstrued as a provocative invitation of availability and courtship by a fellow male passenger. Paradoxically, what one male considers being an innocent and meaningless wink to his newly recruited female co-worker for example, can be mistaken as a crude and unwanted gesture with sexual connotations. The critical importance of accuracy and consistency when conveying both verbal and non-verbal messages in the communication process is highlighted by Waddell (2004: in Roberts & Bucksey, 2007) asserting that when non-verbal messages conflict with verbalised messages, people will probably not believe what is said.
The differences in the way men and women talk and listen can create tremendous challenges with communication in relationships. Pease & Pease (2007) identify the difference between men and women in their ways of communicating by separating the two into ‘men speak’ and ‘women speak’. With ‘men speak’ consisting of rules such as presenting facts and information directly, without ‘beating around the bush’. (I am constantly being told by male friends to "hurry up and get to the point".) In the rules to ‘women speak’, Pease & Pease (2007) explain the necessity to listen and use facial expressions, as well as to participate in the conversation. My friend’s arguments with her husband over trivial household issues always seem to escalate into personal attacks on character, because of the lack of mutual effective listening. When raising an issue of concern with your husband Goleman (2005) recommends wives to be careful not to come across as being critical or contemptuous, and to focus on the behaviour of concern and not their husbands personally; and advises husbands when listening to the concerns of their wife, not to disregard them as petty or nagging, but urges them to validate, respect and acknowledge their wife’s grievances.
Culture moulds how individuals display or hold back their emotions (Goleman, 1995). When trying to communicate in relationships with people from different ethnic backgrounds we are faced with many challenges in all our interpersonal environments. In the Western world, companies spend thousands of dollars every year training their employees on courteous and respectful business practices when dealing with Japanese clients. Cole (2000) asserts that empathy is required in order to understand another person's background and previous experiences, and maintains that the more individuals understand each other, the easier the communication process becomes. Without receiving the adequate training in correct bowing procedure; removal of shoes when appropriate; and minimisation of facial expression and gestures when interacting with Japanese clients in business relationships, there would be a great deal of confusion, disagreement and insult due to the significant differences in customs and culture between Japan and the Western world. If we consciously and respectfully consider the feelings, thoughts and perspective of the people with whom we are trying to communicate with in our relationships, the communication process will be much less frustrating and challenging.
Culture is an inextricable element of interpersonal communication, relationship development and sexual intimacy (Noland, 2008), and can contribute to many challenges faced in the friendships , close and intimate relationships we engage in. While Australia is a multicultural country boasting a diverse range of ethnic inhabitants; values, traditions and beliefs commonly clash between the differing cultures. Cultural learning has a direct impact on a person’s approach to sexual activity (Kimmel & Fracher, 1992: in Noland, 2008). Issues like sexual contact prior to marriage and the acceptance of interracial intimacy can vary considerably between cultures within Australia. For example a while ago my Arabic female friends were explaining to me the procedure of dating in their culture which is maintained even while living in Australia; in which in order to take a girl to the movies, the male is required to introduce himself to her parents at their home and ask the father’s permission to take his daughter out. Furthermore, they informed me that although they would probably prefer to date Australian or Anglo-Saxon men, their family and community would never allow it. This clearly outlines the extent to which cultural differences of opinion, values and tradition can make attempting to communicate in relationships so challenging.
Our frame of reference can certainly create challenges when we attempt to communicate in relationships. Cole (2000) describes a person’s frame of reference to be comprised of a person’s background, past experiences, perceptions and beliefs of oneself and others, and values, and is essentially the way in which individuals see their world. For example, Employee A is a judgemental and narrow minded individual who is experiencing difficulty and reluctance to communicate with Employee B, because she does not agree with his choice of alternative clothing and unconventional appearance; while at the same time Employee B is finding it hard to communicate with Employee C, who has only just been relocated to Australia from Denmark and still has a very heavy accent. A month later Employee A continues to ignore and resist interaction with Employee B; however Employee B has adopted body language and email as an effective means to communicate freely and efficiently with Employee C.
In order to be a successful and effective communicator you must be emotionally intelligent. If an individual possesses considerable emotional intelligence, then their frame of reference will not obstruct communication in relationships. In the case of Employee A, she lacks the adequate emotional intelligence and maturity to feel empathy towards Employee B, and to respect him enough to look beyond his exterior appearance. Cole (2000) asserts that “effective communication involves bringing our frames of reference closer together” (p81). By understanding some of a person’s background and past experiences, a person is able to provide them with information in a manner that is relative and recognisable to the other person (Cole, 2000).Employee B however, by applying his emotional intelligence was able to break the language barrier between himself and Employee C by using non-verbal gestures and email messages to converse with his co-worker until she became more confident with her English.
We are faced with a variety of challenges everyday when trying to communicate in our relationships. While gender differences, culture clashes and frame of reference dissimilarities make verbal and non-verbal attempts to communicate in relationships difficult, these challenges can be defeated through the successful use of skills such as effective listening, empathy, respect and emotional intelligence.
REFERENCES
Cole, K. (2000) Crystal Clear Communication (2nd edn.) Sydney: The Penguin Group.
DeVito, J.A. (2007) The Interpersonal Communication Book, International Edition (11th edn.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.
Freedman, J. (1978)Happy People: What happiness is, who has it, and why . Harcourt Brace Jovanovich.
Goleman, D. (1995) Emotional Intelligence. London: Bloomsbury Publishing.
Noland, C. (2008) Macho Men Don’t Communicate: The Role of Communication in HIV Prevention.(Report). The Journal of Men's Studies 16.1 (Wntr 2008): 18(14). Custom Journal 250. Gale. Aust College of App. Psychology. 26 Apr. 2009
Pease, A. and Pease, B. (2007) Easy Peasey, People Skills for Life. Sydney: Pease
Roberts, L. and Bucksey, S.J. (2007)Communicating with Patients: What happens in Practice? Physical Therapy, 87:5, pp586-594
